A few days later, my superior informs me that my leave may be refused due to the glaring lack of personnel. Automatically, I feel incredible anger, I feel great injustice. Yet two days earlier, I was ready to give up as I was about to submit my application. I feel ready to do everything now so that my leave for this great departure on a trip is accepted. This project is like my baby to me. Some have plans to start a family. Me, I dream of traveling for a long time.
A month later, I learn that my leave is accepted. I collapse. I’m afraid. Is this really what I want? Is this the right choice? I will ask myself this last question so often in the coming months (and even during the trip). It’s stronger than me, I’m an anxious person who would like to know everything in advance what will happen to be sure to make the right choice. I end up silencing that little voice.
I keep going. This great departure on a trip will indeed take place!
We are about to buy the tickets. We are really excited. I complete the transaction. And there, I realize that I bought for July 3 rather than for July 4 as we wanted. I freak out, I can’t stop thinking about it and become obsessive about this mistake. In theory and in practice, this changes absolutely nothing since our dates were flexible and the flights are exactly the same with the same stopovers. No panic to feel. However, I am in a panic. What if this was a sign that we shouldn’t leave? From the afternoon until the next day, anxiety takes hold of me. I suddenly realize that I’m really going to the other side of the world for a year. I only feel fear, immense anxiety and a desire to self-sabotage I am so petrified. How could it go from a beautiful dream to a scary nightmare? I eventually calm down and remember why we decided to take this trip.
I keep going! One more step that brings us closer to this great departure on a journey.
Job postings start at my job. Doubts return. What is happening to me? Is it normal to doubt so much? However, I am questioning this job since my values are confronted daily. And there, I find myself looking at the posts, thinking about the possibilities that could come my way and that I will miss. I think about the year of seniority that I will lose. On the other hand, I will earn so much more during this year of travel. I realize that we are so poorly made as human beings. We always want butter and butter’s money, we are never completely satisfied with what we already have, and we often wonder what our life would be like if we had taken the other choice. I feel anger, but against me this time. Anger because I let fear make me doubt.
Despite everything, I continue to go for it despite these emotions before departure.
Discussions with loved ones before a great departure on a trip in our article A great departure on a trip: when emotions jostle #voyage #longvoyage #granddepart #departenvoyage #emotionsSome conversations are hard to have before a big departure, but they are necessary
I feel guilty for leaving for a year and somehow thinking about myself. I feel selfish. What if something happened to them during my year-long trip and I never saw them again? I think I will feel guilty for the rest of my life. I know so many people who would do anything to have their parents alive again to enjoy moments with them and I, on the other hand, leave them for a year to live my dream. My mother will tell me several times to live my dream, that it is important and that I am lucky.
5 days before departure on trip for one year
Another important day today, but for much less joyful reasons. Today, I have an appointment with the veterinarian for the euthanasia of my sick cat. I have been crying nonstop since last night. I ask my boyfriend about every ten minutes if we are making the right choice. I question everything. That cat is like my child. If we didn’t leave, she might still have some time to live and get some sun. My boyfriend reminds me of what the veterinarian told us a month ago during an appointment I had made to rid myself of this inevitable choice that was coming. The latter made it very clear that our “Mimine” is seriously ill, that she is suffering more than she lets on and that our choice is the best. I doubt the same.
Mourning before a great departure on a trip in our article A great departure on a trip: when emotions jostle #voyage #longvoyage #granddepart #departenvoyage #emotionsSome bereavements are more difficult to live with before a big departure on a trip
I cry so much. I didn’t even know that so many tears could come out. In addition, we have an interview tonight for a house sitting in Australia where we will take care of a…cat. No idea how I’m going to do not cry and even manage to see them so my eyes are puffy. We go to the appointment with the veterinarian, we say goodbye to him for long minutes, I ask his forgiveness several times. This bereavement will be the most difficult to experience and to overcome of all the bereavements that the preparation and departure on a trip for a year will have made me experience.